Life is a funny, bizarre journey. The days can seemingly run into one another
with the mundane, yet each moment is a spectacle all of its own. If one is not careful, one will miss the
complex intricacies of everyday living.
There are moments where we know we never want to look back; we never
want to experience anything remotely similar ever again. There are also the moments you want to
freeze; to never forget. You stop and
gather in every sense, just to try and keep hold of something that you know is
fleeting. Yet no matter how hard one
tries, life moves on – through the good, through the bad, through the
spectacular, through the ordinary. A
life well lived contains a litany of emotions from the surreal to the
painful. Life is not life unless you
experience the emotions; the undercurrents that sweep you away before you even
realize you’ve left. Embrace the current
of life, my dear friend, and keep hold for the years move fast even when we are
moving slow. As time passes you will
come to realize that the days gone by just may be the best days of your
life. Do not miss those little shining
crystals of brilliance hidden among your path and concealed in your own heart
and soul. We each can shine like the sun
if only given the chance. Let your soul
shimmer; the rays of the heart are a beautiful and unique spectacle meant to be
shared. Nurture the crystals you call
your own, polish them until they glimmer in even the faintest of light. For even in the darkest of moments your own
brilliance can carry you through in order to find the lighted path ahead. That is the delight of heart rays; they are present
in our life to guide us through even when we may not be available for ourselves. Capture your own heart and hold tight – it
will guide your journey of life and will take you places you never envisioned
you would go. And, if you let it, it
will shine like the sun never letting your path dim.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Bubble
I have created a perfect, happy little bubble in which I
call my own.
I exist inside this atmosphere content yet all alone.
If and when I wander outside its mighty walls,
I tread carefully to and fro so as to not induce a fall.
I seem to wander aimlessly when sent out on my way,
For to leave the bubble is to face the crowd and all they
have to say.
At times this crowd hollers angrily, and their words do
surely pound
And others walk right past me - as if I am invisible - without
even a sound.
To feel the judgment on my face, or the quiet words unspoken
Cause silent tears to fall upon my heart and more memories
to become broken.
So I run back to my bubble,
At peace amidst my own rubble.
For here I know at least I am protected,
Even though I am completely unconnected.
Many may wonder why I use the bubble as an excuse –
Try the years and years of prior abuse.
Having broken free from the pain,
I am tired of always having to explain.
Let me learn to be my own foundation
And to come away from the stagnation.
This bubble is what I call my own;
I am so happy to be home.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Heart Particles
Sometimes our biggest fear is the fear of fear itself. As a survivor, I can recall countless times
that I did not do something because of the fear of the unknown. Even though the past is completed and behind
me, I still hold remnants of trigger points that can send me spiraling back to
a previous moment in time. To continue
my journey in life is to continue on into the unknown, which can ultimately be
the scariest thing – survivor or not. I
am a broken individual, but to some extent, aren’t we all? Each of us holds pieces of our hearts that at
one point or another have been smashed into nothing more than mere dust
particles that could be swept away with even the gentlest of breezes. We hold onto these heart particles tightly,
envelope them deep within our souls, and do not want to let go in trepidation
of what may happen if we do release our grip.
For to release our grip is in essence to let go of the control we all so
desperately want.
Those tiny particles will always be a part of me, but the remarkable thing about dust is that it only builds up if you let it. So, at least for today, I take a deep breath, and I blow. I propel the heart particles that have accumulated throughout the years out as far as my breath can take them. I watch as they drift and soar and disperse. I exhale, and feel the gentlest breeze begin to float through my heart. And I know the “I” that I have been looking for so long to return is finally beginning to reappear.
I am no different. I
grip and I grasp those buried, minute pieces of my heart until the breath is
ostensibly sucked right away from me and I am left gasping for air. The after affects can be monumental as I look
around bright eyed at the authenticity of what is before me, which is nothing
like the reality I once knew so well. The
truth of the current day is a stark and drastic difference to the life I left
behind. I struggle to identify myself as
I am now, compared to the “I” I once was.
To be able to recognize and classify myself now, I must learn to let go
of the particles of the heart that have been crushed beyond devastation.
Those tiny particles will always be a part of me, but the remarkable thing about dust is that it only builds up if you let it. So, at least for today, I take a deep breath, and I blow. I propel the heart particles that have accumulated throughout the years out as far as my breath can take them. I watch as they drift and soar and disperse. I exhale, and feel the gentlest breeze begin to float through my heart. And I know the “I” that I have been looking for so long to return is finally beginning to reappear.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Hurricanes and Ocean Waves
It has been way too long since I have set aside time just
for me - time to nourish my own soul so that I am able to support those around
me. Working from home, I have been so
busy growing my business, keeping sales up, and figuring out why sales just
dropped while still raising the kids, playing with the animals, and trying to
maintain the house that it had all consumed me from dawn till dusk. It had enveloped me to the point that I
didn’t realize how much it had encompassed me, until I broke down a few days
ago in a scrambling mess of insanity. I
woke up from this bad dream called life to realize my house though still
standing was a mess – there was stuff – everywhere. Even in the bathroom. How did random stuff get in the
bathroom?
I came back to reality and it hit me just how exhausted I was, both physically and emotionally. The past few months I had not even taken a reprieve in the shower; I would rush in only to emerge a quick few moments later. The goal was to get clean in as short of a time as possible, so I could get back to whatever it was I was doing before I had gotten wet. And the time I had spent in the shower (outside of using soap) was used to think about how I could grow my business, how I could get my oldest son more stability in the midst of the chaos he experiences at his father’s house, or a good solution to get the baby to stop screaming immediately every time he needed or wanted something. Although I constantly tell my children to have patience, that I am only one person, I forgot to repeat that mantra to myself. I was trying to be all things to all people in all situations, except the only problem was that I forgot about myself in all of it.
The forgetting of self led to one late night where I literally stopped in the mass chaos of movement, looked at it all, thought about it all, dropped to my knees, and broke into tears. The enormity of the situation and all I had to do completely overrode all I am and all I have to offer. As the tears flowed freely, one of my cats carefully approached. I grabbed that cat and hugged tight as tears dropped on to his back. The poor thing was just dangling there – too afraid to move even though his back was drenched by this point. Good for him, at least I taught him enough by this point for him to realize not to move in the midst of a crises. After a few moments I let the cat go, not because I wanted to, but because I was getting tons of cat hair sticking to my tear stained face. Even in a breakdown I did have some self respect. Things probably looked bad enough without cat hair on the face.
As I began picking off the hair one by one, I knew something had to lighten up. I just did not have the time to remove cat hair like that just because I had a breakdown. Goodness, I had enough stuff to do that was actually important! After the cat realized I had reached a plateau of being a bit more stabilized, he quickly (albeit calmly and quietly so as to not attract attention) slid into the other room.
Days later, I can now realize and point to the times during the past months when I should have stopped and taken a deep breath. Even hurricanes have their down times in the ocean where they relax in order to pick up more speed to head back to land. I am no different. Just like a hurricane, I need time to step back and gain speed so I can conquer the land mass ahead of me. Today is just as busy as last week, and there are still the same demands, but through my crises I did come to realize just how little time I was taking to recharge my own batteries. The night I was crying on the poor cat I found my batteries to be dead. No one – not even supermom – can function on a dying energy field. So, just like a hurricane, the past few days I have found myself veering back out into the ocean to take some time to stop and gather energy from the waves around me. Turning, I have headed back to land. There are more land masses to conquer, and I need all the energy I can get!
I came back to reality and it hit me just how exhausted I was, both physically and emotionally. The past few months I had not even taken a reprieve in the shower; I would rush in only to emerge a quick few moments later. The goal was to get clean in as short of a time as possible, so I could get back to whatever it was I was doing before I had gotten wet. And the time I had spent in the shower (outside of using soap) was used to think about how I could grow my business, how I could get my oldest son more stability in the midst of the chaos he experiences at his father’s house, or a good solution to get the baby to stop screaming immediately every time he needed or wanted something. Although I constantly tell my children to have patience, that I am only one person, I forgot to repeat that mantra to myself. I was trying to be all things to all people in all situations, except the only problem was that I forgot about myself in all of it.
The forgetting of self led to one late night where I literally stopped in the mass chaos of movement, looked at it all, thought about it all, dropped to my knees, and broke into tears. The enormity of the situation and all I had to do completely overrode all I am and all I have to offer. As the tears flowed freely, one of my cats carefully approached. I grabbed that cat and hugged tight as tears dropped on to his back. The poor thing was just dangling there – too afraid to move even though his back was drenched by this point. Good for him, at least I taught him enough by this point for him to realize not to move in the midst of a crises. After a few moments I let the cat go, not because I wanted to, but because I was getting tons of cat hair sticking to my tear stained face. Even in a breakdown I did have some self respect. Things probably looked bad enough without cat hair on the face.
As I began picking off the hair one by one, I knew something had to lighten up. I just did not have the time to remove cat hair like that just because I had a breakdown. Goodness, I had enough stuff to do that was actually important! After the cat realized I had reached a plateau of being a bit more stabilized, he quickly (albeit calmly and quietly so as to not attract attention) slid into the other room.
Days later, I can now realize and point to the times during the past months when I should have stopped and taken a deep breath. Even hurricanes have their down times in the ocean where they relax in order to pick up more speed to head back to land. I am no different. Just like a hurricane, I need time to step back and gain speed so I can conquer the land mass ahead of me. Today is just as busy as last week, and there are still the same demands, but through my crises I did come to realize just how little time I was taking to recharge my own batteries. The night I was crying on the poor cat I found my batteries to be dead. No one – not even supermom – can function on a dying energy field. So, just like a hurricane, the past few days I have found myself veering back out into the ocean to take some time to stop and gather energy from the waves around me. Turning, I have headed back to land. There are more land masses to conquer, and I need all the energy I can get!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Secrets
"If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we would
find."
An amazing quote from John Churton Collins, and utterly true. What we may think as private feelings or individual stories relative only to our own heart, are more than likely felt by someone else in close proximity to us, and they as well may also be keeping that same secret.
An amazing quote from John Churton Collins, and utterly true. What we may think as private feelings or individual stories relative only to our own heart, are more than likely felt by someone else in close proximity to us, and they as well may also be keeping that same secret.
Monday, March 19, 2012
In the Stillness
I wrote the contemplation below on Thursday, April 29, 2010, but as I reread it, I realized the message is even more important today.
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 45. Be still….in this day and age all of us struggle with being still. How does one truly be still in order to hear the words of the Spirit whispering in our ear when we battle daily with the mundane tasks of life? Yet in essence this stillness is the most important, and could be the most powerful, part of our day if we allow God to work in us and through us. When we allow God to truly use us and guide us, miraculous things can occur. To truly be still and to truly quiet one’s heart to hear the voice of Our Lord is not an easy task. Life often gets in the way. We get caught up with our families, with our jobs, and with the never ending list of errands and tasks. This is not what we are called to do. Psalm 45 directs us to be still. Only in the stillness can we truly feel the love of God entering our hearts and calming our souls in order to then be gentle receivers and givers of God’s grace and mercy. This does not mean that we let our lives go by the wayside and just sit there waiting for the next directive from God. It does mean that we take at least a few minutes from every day to put the cares of the world on hold so we can spend quality time hearing from Our Lord and handing Him our cares. Jesus wants us to lay our burdens and our stress at His feet, so that He can help us to sustain, and so that we have the energy to be still in order to hear Him. This day, let us come to our Savior in prayer, so that the God-given stillness can immerse our hearts and our souls, allowing us to be peaceful servants in His world.
Our Father in Heaven,
We come to you with our burdens, our stress, and our busy lives. We ask you to help us lay those worldly things down, if even just for a bit, so that we can be still and hear your words that whisper through our hearts. Help us to be quiet so that we can feel your Presence, and to be aware that you are ever with us. In the stillness, please enter our heart and allow us to be your servants, ever guided by your unfailing love.
In Your Name we pray,
Amen
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 45. Be still….in this day and age all of us struggle with being still. How does one truly be still in order to hear the words of the Spirit whispering in our ear when we battle daily with the mundane tasks of life? Yet in essence this stillness is the most important, and could be the most powerful, part of our day if we allow God to work in us and through us. When we allow God to truly use us and guide us, miraculous things can occur. To truly be still and to truly quiet one’s heart to hear the voice of Our Lord is not an easy task. Life often gets in the way. We get caught up with our families, with our jobs, and with the never ending list of errands and tasks. This is not what we are called to do. Psalm 45 directs us to be still. Only in the stillness can we truly feel the love of God entering our hearts and calming our souls in order to then be gentle receivers and givers of God’s grace and mercy. This does not mean that we let our lives go by the wayside and just sit there waiting for the next directive from God. It does mean that we take at least a few minutes from every day to put the cares of the world on hold so we can spend quality time hearing from Our Lord and handing Him our cares. Jesus wants us to lay our burdens and our stress at His feet, so that He can help us to sustain, and so that we have the energy to be still in order to hear Him. This day, let us come to our Savior in prayer, so that the God-given stillness can immerse our hearts and our souls, allowing us to be peaceful servants in His world.
Our Father in Heaven,
We come to you with our burdens, our stress, and our busy lives. We ask you to help us lay those worldly things down, if even just for a bit, so that we can be still and hear your words that whisper through our hearts. Help us to be quiet so that we can feel your Presence, and to be aware that you are ever with us. In the stillness, please enter our heart and allow us to be your servants, ever guided by your unfailing love.
In Your Name we pray,
Amen
Agony statue at Abbey of Gethsemani, photo by Brother Paul Quenon
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Exhale
Today was a beautiful day in Kentucky
When I came out of the buzz of the past, my breath was shallow and my grip was locked on the steering wheel. I had to force myself to concentrate on the roadway and the cars around me. The sun, once warm on my cheeks, was blazingly bright. I blinked, not only to take away the glare of the sun, but to take away the rushing, harsh emotions that had just radiated through my being. I again heard the radio playing, and realized one of my favorite songs had turned into a commercial break. I switched the channel to another Christian music broadcast to help bring me back into the present. Still shaky, I realized I could let this throw me back into that time when things weren’t as bright or I could stand straight, pick myself up, and keep moving on. Shaking the rocky breath out of me, I chose to conquer the past yet again. Looking in the rear view mirror at the road behind me I realized it was just that – behind me – and as my gaze fell forwards I caught my baby in his car seat…and I smiled. Focusing ahead, I was at peace. And I exhaled.
When I came out of the buzz of the past, my breath was shallow and my grip was locked on the steering wheel. I had to force myself to concentrate on the roadway and the cars around me. The sun, once warm on my cheeks, was blazingly bright. I blinked, not only to take away the glare of the sun, but to take away the rushing, harsh emotions that had just radiated through my being. I again heard the radio playing, and realized one of my favorite songs had turned into a commercial break. I switched the channel to another Christian music broadcast to help bring me back into the present. Still shaky, I realized I could let this throw me back into that time when things weren’t as bright or I could stand straight, pick myself up, and keep moving on. Shaking the rocky breath out of me, I chose to conquer the past yet again. Looking in the rear view mirror at the road behind me I realized it was just that – behind me – and as my gaze fell forwards I caught my baby in his car seat…and I smiled. Focusing ahead, I was at peace. And I exhaled.
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