Heart Rays

Life is a funny, bizarre journey.  The days can seemingly run into one another with the mundane, yet each moment is a spectacle all of its own.  If one is not careful, one will miss the complex intricacies of everyday living.  There are moments where we know we never want to look back; we never want to experience anything remotely similar ever again.  There are also the moments you want to freeze; to never forget.  You stop and gather in every sense, just to try and keep hold of something that you know is fleeting.  Yet no matter how hard one tries, life moves on – through the good, through the bad, through the spectacular, through the ordinary.  A life well lived contains a litany of emotions from the surreal to the painful.  Life is not life unless you experience the emotions; the undercurrents that sweep you away before you even realize you’ve left.  Embrace the current of life, my dear friend, and keep hold for the years move fast even when we are moving slow.  As time passes you will come to realize that the days gone by just may be the best days of your life.  Do not miss those little shining crystals of brilliance hidden among your path and concealed in your own heart and soul.  We each can shine like the sun if only given the chance.  Let your soul shimmer; the rays of the heart are a beautiful and unique spectacle meant to be shared.  Nurture the crystals you call your own, polish them until they glimmer in even the faintest of light.  For even in the darkest of moments your own brilliance can carry you through in order to find the lighted path ahead.  That is the delight of heart rays; they are present in our life to guide us through even when we may not be available for ourselves.  Capture your own heart and hold tight – it will guide your journey of life and will take you places you never envisioned you would go.  And, if you let it, it will shine like the sun never letting your path dim.

The Bubble

I have created a perfect, happy little bubble in which I call my own. 

I exist inside this atmosphere content yet all alone. 

If and when I wander outside its mighty walls, 

I tread carefully to and fro so as to not induce a fall.

I seem to wander aimlessly when sent out on my way,

For to leave the bubble is to face the crowd and all they have to say.

At times this crowd hollers angrily, and their words do surely pound

And others walk right past me - as if I am invisible - without even a sound.

To feel the judgment on my face, or the quiet words unspoken

Cause silent tears to fall upon my heart and more memories to become broken.

So I run back to my bubble,

At peace amidst my own rubble.

For here I know at least I am protected,

Even though I am completely unconnected.

Many may wonder why I use the bubble as an excuse –

Try the years and years of prior abuse.

Having broken free from the pain,

I am tired of always having to explain.

Let me learn to be my own foundation

And to come away from the stagnation.

This bubble is what I call my own;

I am so happy to be home.

Heart Particles

Sometimes our biggest fear is the fear of fear itself.  As a survivor, I can recall countless times that I did not do something because of the fear of the unknown.  Even though the past is completed and behind me, I still hold remnants of trigger points that can send me spiraling back to a previous moment in time.  To continue my journey in life is to continue on into the unknown, which can ultimately be the scariest thing – survivor or not.  I am a broken individual, but to some extent, aren’t we all?  Each of us holds pieces of our hearts that at one point or another have been smashed into nothing more than mere dust particles that could be swept away with even the gentlest of breezes.  We hold onto these heart particles tightly, envelope them deep within our souls, and do not want to let go in trepidation of what may happen if we do release our grip.  For to release our grip is in essence to let go of the control we all so desperately want. 

I am no different.  I grip and I grasp those buried, minute pieces of my heart until the breath is ostensibly sucked right away from me and I am left gasping for air.  The after affects can be monumental as I look around bright eyed at the authenticity of what is before me, which is nothing like the reality I once knew so well.  The truth of the current day is a stark and drastic difference to the life I left behind.  I struggle to identify myself as I am now, compared to the “I” I once was.  To be able to recognize and classify myself now, I must learn to let go of the particles of the heart that have been crushed beyond devastation.

Those tiny particles will always be a part of me, but the remarkable thing about dust is that it only builds up if you let it.  So, at least for today, I take a deep breath, and I blow.  I propel the heart particles that have accumulated throughout the years out as far as my breath can take them.  I watch as they drift and soar and disperse.  I exhale, and feel the gentlest breeze begin to float through my heart.  And I know the “I” that I have been looking for so long to return is finally beginning to reappear.

Secrets

"If we knew each other’s secrets, what comforts we would find."

An amazing quote from John Churton Collins, and utterly true. What we may think as private feelings or individual stories relative only to our own heart, are more than likely felt by someone else in close proximity to us, and they as well may also be keeping that same secret.

In the Stillness

I wrote the contemplation below on Thursday, April 29, 2010, but as I reread it, I realized the message is even more important today.

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 45. Be still….in this day and age all of us struggle with being still. How does one truly be still in order to hear the words of the Spirit whispering in our ear when we battle daily with the mundane tasks of life? Yet in essence this stillness is the most important, and could be the most powerful, part of our day if we allow God to work in us and through us. When we allow God to truly use us and guide us, miraculous things can occur. To truly be still and to truly quiet one’s heart to hear the voice of Our Lord is not an easy task. Life often gets in the way. We get caught up with our families, with our jobs, and with the never ending list of errands and tasks. This is not what we are called to do. Psalm 45 directs us to be still. Only in the stillness can we truly feel the love of God entering our hearts and calming our souls in order to then be gentle receivers and givers of God’s grace and mercy. This does not mean that we let our lives go by the wayside and just sit there waiting for the next directive from God. It does mean that we take at least a few minutes from every day to put the cares of the world on hold so we can spend quality time hearing from Our Lord and handing Him our cares. Jesus wants us to lay our burdens and our stress at His feet, so that He can help us to sustain, and so that we have the energy to be still in order to hear Him. This day, let us come to our Savior in prayer, so that the God-given stillness can immerse our hearts and our souls, allowing us to be peaceful servants in His world.

Our Father in Heaven,
We come to you with our burdens, our stress, and our busy lives. We ask you to help us lay those worldly things down, if even just for a bit, so that we can be still and hear your words that whisper through our hearts. Help us to be quiet so that we can feel your Presence, and to be aware that you are ever with us. In the stillness, please enter our heart and allow us to be your servants, ever guided by your unfailing love.
In Your Name we pray,
Amen

Agony statue at Abbey of Gethsemani, photo by Brother Paul Quenon