In the Stillness

I wrote the contemplation below on Thursday, April 29, 2010, but as I reread it, I realized the message is even more important today.

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 45. Be still….in this day and age all of us struggle with being still. How does one truly be still in order to hear the words of the Spirit whispering in our ear when we battle daily with the mundane tasks of life? Yet in essence this stillness is the most important, and could be the most powerful, part of our day if we allow God to work in us and through us. When we allow God to truly use us and guide us, miraculous things can occur. To truly be still and to truly quiet one’s heart to hear the voice of Our Lord is not an easy task. Life often gets in the way. We get caught up with our families, with our jobs, and with the never ending list of errands and tasks. This is not what we are called to do. Psalm 45 directs us to be still. Only in the stillness can we truly feel the love of God entering our hearts and calming our souls in order to then be gentle receivers and givers of God’s grace and mercy. This does not mean that we let our lives go by the wayside and just sit there waiting for the next directive from God. It does mean that we take at least a few minutes from every day to put the cares of the world on hold so we can spend quality time hearing from Our Lord and handing Him our cares. Jesus wants us to lay our burdens and our stress at His feet, so that He can help us to sustain, and so that we have the energy to be still in order to hear Him. This day, let us come to our Savior in prayer, so that the God-given stillness can immerse our hearts and our souls, allowing us to be peaceful servants in His world.

Our Father in Heaven,
We come to you with our burdens, our stress, and our busy lives. We ask you to help us lay those worldly things down, if even just for a bit, so that we can be still and hear your words that whisper through our hearts. Help us to be quiet so that we can feel your Presence, and to be aware that you are ever with us. In the stillness, please enter our heart and allow us to be your servants, ever guided by your unfailing love.
In Your Name we pray,
Amen

Agony statue at Abbey of Gethsemani, photo by Brother Paul Quenon

Exhale

Today was a beautiful day in Kentucky – fresh, crisp morning air, beautiful sunshine, and just that right amount of heat that can lend to taking off the long sleeves and sporting one of the first short sleeves of the season.  Driving to church this morning with the baby in the back, I had the windows rolled down and the radio tuned to an upbeat Christian station.  It was one of those mornings filled with promise, when you knew it could hold anything and everything you wanted it to and you felt as if you could conquer anything.  And then smack – it happened.  One of those moments where a memory of the past was triggered, joggled free from the brain bank, and the feelings and emotions of preceding times shot so strong through my being I felt as if I was back in that moment.  It rendered me speechless.  The entire switch of atmosphere was caused by…..a road sign.  Yes, I saw a road sign.  Advertising a bridal show.  The exact same bridal show in the exact same location that was pivotal in years past with my baby’s daddy.  And that one plain blue sign brought in a rush of emotions that caused my breath to suck, my heart to palpitate, and my brain to temporarily forget just where I was and what I was doing.  In just a few short seconds that felt as if they were a millennium, a cascade of emotions hit my soul.  From the euphoria felt at a new love, to the steady beat of the growing relationship, to the jolt of what happened and how it all ended.  In that short amount of time, the sun seemed to dim, the radio though playing could not be heard, and the road ahead of me seemed to blur into a colorless haze.

When I came out of the buzz of the past, my breath was shallow and my grip was locked on the steering wheel.  I had to force myself to concentrate on the roadway and the cars around me.  The sun, once warm on my cheeks, was blazingly bright.  I blinked, not only to take away the glare of the sun, but to take away the rushing, harsh emotions that had just radiated through my being.  I again heard the radio playing, and realized one of my favorite songs had turned into a commercial break.  I switched the channel to another Christian music broadcast to help bring me back into the present.  Still shaky, I realized I could let this throw me back into that time when things weren’t as bright or I could stand straight, pick myself up, and keep moving on.  Shaking the rocky breath out of me, I chose to conquer the past yet again.  Looking in the rear view mirror at the road behind me I realized it was just that – behind me – and as my gaze fell forwards I caught my baby in his car seat…and I smiled.  Focusing ahead, I was at peace. And I exhaled.

Not Strong Enough

Was up early on a Saturday for a track meet.  Gone are the days I can just hop in the shower and head out the door!  Just a few months ago I finally figured out how to add putting on makeup back into my routine.  I was tired of hearing my 12 year old tell me how ‘tired’ I look.  Now I still appear tired, but at least my face shows it with a rosy glow and lined eyes!

As I was rolling through my fog of having to function early Saturday morning, I began to ponder over the latest action news in my normally obsolete romantic life.  Understandably, I’m really not looking to date.  I’ve always said that if God wants me to have a man in my life, He’ll literally drop him in my life.  In January a guy asked me out…in church.  Considering the atmosphere I was in, I agreed. 

Very upfront about my situation, I gently informed this guy just how many things he’d have to wrap his arms around if he became a steady pillar in my life.  I hold firm that any man has to have a very big heart, and very large arms, to wrap around my life.  It’s not just me – but one pre-teen, one infant, two cats, one old blind deaf, dog, my mom who comes over practically everyday to help, a job that is worked from home, and a house that’s constantly a revolving mess.  That’s a lot to wrap around.  He seemed to envelop this, stating he commends me for working at home so as not to utilize day care and having someone else raise my kids, and that he’d worry if my house was neat as that would mean I wasn’t focusing on my family or my job.  Unreal, I thought.  Who is this man?  I was not used to the support and it seemed his values lined up exactly with mine. 

I’ll spare you the gory, mushy details.  Two months later after a bit of a slow run, I receive a phone call stating he wasn’t coming over as planned because “the guys” were at his house for a ball game.  He quickly transitioned into a very roundabout conversation that led me to wonder what had just happened when I had hung up the phone.  There was talk about it being slow (wasn’t that what we had agreed to do?  Move slow and get to know each other?).  That it is amazing because I am one of the greatest women he’s ever dated, and he just can’t say anything negative, but that I have ‘a lot going on’ (um, I know – didn’t I tell you that?).  At one point he even stated that he was glad we talked about this lull between us and we’ll see how it goes.  Then it quickly moved into the “I’m so glad we’re friends, and you can’t have too many good people surrounding you”, at which point his friends started getting louder and he said he better get to the game.  I hung up the phone and actually had to sit and translate what had just happened.  I came to the conclusion that he had just broken it off.  Yeah, go get your friends buddy.  And here’s a hint – if you don’t want to spend your next four decades single like you’ve spent your last four, don’t break up with a girl as your friends sit in the next room watching the game.  Be respectful enough to at least do it in person and plainly communicate through it!  I watched an interview with Aretha Franklin a few Sundays ago.  The host politely asked the famous singer about her love life – or the lack of it.  Smiling in her quiet fashion, she promptly responded that none are strong enough.  I double that, sister!

As the day winds down to a close and the once applied makeup wears off, I know I am strong enough, even if someone else is not.   It can get lonely being the strong one every day, all day, but I know my shoulders are strong, my heart is big, and my arms can wrap around this house and all those in it. 

One in Three

After doing some research on the internet, and finding an improptu show on KET addressing domestic violence during a flip through of the channels, I must amend my last blog.  The correct statistic is that 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence.  The state of Kentucky holds a higher level than the national average for domestic violence.  One in three - and remember - domestic violence is the most UNDERREPORTED crime; my guess is you personally know someone who is a victim but you may not be aware they are experiencing this penetrating crime.  Two websites I have found to be of help are: www.kdva.org and www.marybyronproject.org.  Tons of helpful information, resources, and links.

Living with Integrity (and Laughter!)

Ahhh, you think I'd be used to this single mom thing by now. But, I have found every day is different, and each dawn comes with its own challenges. A wise woman once told me the best I can do is to live each day with integrity.  For me, it’s not living with integrity – it’s surviving with integrity.  And a survivor I am.  As my journey is revealed throughout these blog posts, it is my hope that my words may speak and come alive for another. 

I am one, but I no longer stand alone.  I know that now, but for many years I thought just the opposite.  One in four women throughout their lifetime will personally experience or be exposed to some degree of domestic abuse.  Feelings of isolation and seclusion were prominent; living with an abusive man can be a very solitary existence.  Masters of control and manipulation, they are very adept at pulling you away from every comfort you once knew – including your own self-confidence. 

Many who have witnessed or experienced abuse do not speak up, fearful of what may happen if they do.  Because of this understandable fear, the statistics on abused women are not concrete, and many court systems as well as counselors underestimate the unyielding power an abusive man holds.  In turn, many therapists, judges, and law enforcement officials often do not give the abused the help they so desperately need in times of crises.  I know all this not only because I have been down that muddled path, but because I have learned through self instruction and through counseling with a local crises center the tools and education I need to move on, and to move up.

Some days this blog will be about my struggle or my survival, some about my past or educational tools for the future.  Others will be about the mundane and sometimes overwhelming day to day tasks a single mother faces, or even just the silliness of having a twelve year old, a nine month old, two cats, and a fifteen year old blind, deaf dog – all in the same household -  with only one woman coordinating it all.  (To confirm the silliness – I must share with you the afternoon the rice fell off the top shelf of the pantry, scattering all over the floor, right after we came out of hiding in the closet from a tornado warning with the electricity being out.  This was shortly followed by my oldest son dropping a can of root beer which subsequently exploded all over the tile.  In the midst of it all, the poor old blind, deaf dog piddled on the kitchen floor in the confusion.  True story.  I kid you not.  Welcome to my world!)  I do not want my journey to only be about the heavy or the oppressive, because there is so much more to it than that.  There IS joy, and there IS hope, and I want to convey that.  And when it is all said and done, the dry rice on the floor which is absorbing the root beer in the dark which is being spread around by the dog wandering around really is funny, if you stop and think about it. 

If you are reading this and are in an abusive relationship yourself, please use caution if you are using your home computer.  An abuser will check your activity, whether it be via phone records, computer history, or travel itineraries.  Make sure at the least to clear your computer’s history, cache, and cookies, and for your own safety, use a public computer or go to a trusted friend or family member for the use of their PC.  Many cities have crises centers for domestic abuse; if you are ready to seek help please utilize the wonderful resources they offer, or go to a trusted friend or family member to have them help you institute your safety plan as leaving an abuser can be a potentially dangerous situation.